Two years ago, I never would have imagined
shedding a tear over the death of a Being so small and non-human as a gerbil.
But two years later, I struggle to hold back tears. Saucy died last night.
Saucy had been showing the signs of her age
in the last six months. On a few occasions, a concerning apathy overtook her
normal curious energetic gerbil self and I wondered if she was ill. She rallied
from those days but in the last month, I noticed she was really losing weight.
Her normal curious energetic gerbil self remained, but she was showing signs
that she was in fact pushing into the long end of a normal gerbil life expectancy
range.
Early this week, Saucy became listless and
spent most of her time sleeping in her burrow. As the week progressed, her
breathing became harder, she refused to drink water, she hardly opened her
eyes, and she would only eat if hand-fed. By Thursday, even the greatest of
gerbil treats – the Cheerio – went half-eaten and then dropped. Jenean and I
took this as a certain and saddening sign that she was letting go of life. We
said our goodbyes before going to bed. Miraculously, Saucy was still hanging
on, if tenuously, on Friday morning. We said our goodbyes again before going to
work. To my surprise Saucy still turned to greet me – with great effort – when
I came home Friday evening.
Then something truly amazing happened. As I
shopped for groceries, Jenean sat by the gerbils’ home to keep them company.
Saucy – after four days in her burrow – suddenly wandered out. She could hardly
walk and her eyes barely opened. Jenean started rubbing Saucy’s back. Before
long, Saucy climbed into Jenean’s hand and just sat there. Jenean took her out
of the cage for awhile and then returned her, thinking she would be more
comfortable there. Yet, Saucy refused to leave Jenean’s hand. Now, this is out
of the ordinary on two accounts. First, Saucy somehow found the energy to move
from her burrow out into the open. Second, and perhaps more strange, is the
fact that gerbils will usually climb in your hand – sure – but within a split-second
they are climbing up your arm or into your pocket or down your pant leg. But
Saucy just climbed into Jenean’s hand to rest – for an hour. When I came home,
Jenean passed Saucy onto me and Saucy cuddled into my hands for another 45
minutes. She took a nibble from an apple, she took a few bites from her
Cheerio, momentarily she would try to explore and be curious, but her body was
failing her spirit.
I hesitate to speculate on the going-ons in
the mind of a gerbil, but I do know that both Jenean and I found Saucy’s
never-before-seen behavior to be very meaningful. We were grateful for a sign
that our dying gerbil connected with us just as we felt connected to her. And
we were thankful for the opportunity to feel like we were doing something,
somehow, to ease her passing.
Suddenly, Saucy felt compelled to move, to
get somewhere. She didn’t want to be held so I placed her back in her home. She
didn’t want to be in her home and she quickly climbed back into my hand. I
moved to set her on the ground to let her go wherever she felt compelled to go.
Before I got that far, her whole body tensed with such force that I nearly
dropped her. Her face was intense as if all her senses were overloaded as death
swept over her. I quickly placed her back in her home as I did not know what
else to do. One more intensity passed over her and then – just as suddenly –
all her tension and all her liveliness slipped away.
It was the first time I experienced death
first-hand, face to face, in all its cataclysmic intensity…and then release.
For me, it was painful to witness and is now painful to recall. For all parties
involved, I am thankful that the final fury of dying only lasted a few seconds.
I would like to think that Saucy knew this difficult moment loomed and was
therefore in such haste to get to an open space. Maybe somehow she intuitively
knew that it was easier for the living to only experience the moment of death
but once. Whether or not this is true, it is the meaning my heart has captured.
And as silly as it sounds, I believe that Saucy taught me something about dying
– and living – in her final hours. Saucy
– Jenean, Savvy, and I will miss you!
Spirit moves through
the waters of creation:
All Being and Essence
unfolds.
We are born, we live,
and we die.
We love and we laugh.
We grieve and we shed
tears.
Your heart is heavy,
your loss is real.
But that which has
brought you here will also take you home.
We grieve and we shed
tears.
We love and we laugh.
We are born, we live,
and we die.
All Being and Essence
unfolds:
Spirit moves through
the waters of creation.
Part Two: Saucy!
Two years ago, Jenean floated the idea of
getting gerbils as pets. At the time, I was not eager to bring any animals into
our home, but it seemed like a decent compromise between owning a dog and
owning no pets whatsoever. One Saturday I spent the day out-of-town skiing and
lo and behold I returned to two little curious yet nervous gerbils. They were
contained and easy to care for, so at first blush it seemed like a decent
compromise.
It didn’t take long, however, for Saucy and
Savvy to win me over – probably a matter of hours. They were quirky little
bundles of energy that entertained me and engaged with me for hours on end. I found kindred spirits curious to explore the
world and give any task in front of them a go. Throughout our time together, I
was fascinated over and again by these little animals that became a part of our
home and our family.
Spending so much quality time with the
gerbils, I came to know the distinct traits and personalities of each gerbil.
In many ways, Savvy and Saucy were different from each other and unique.
First,
Savvy was usually the first to try things, but Saucy always took it to the next
level. So Savvy was the first to run in her ball (off into the living room). Saucy,
however, could outdistance Savvy any day once she became acquainted with
running in her ball (Saucy would run non-stop for over an hour, bouncing back
and forth from the refrigerator to the stove to the cabinet). Savvy was the
first to climb onto my shoulder, sure, but Saucy made the first intrepid climb
from my shoulder to the top of my head. Savvy was the first to jump into her
cage from its edge, but Saucy was the first (and only one) to leap off the bath
tub onto the bathroom floor. Bonzai!
Second, Savvy was the home organizer, whereas
Saucy was the home supervisor. If a new piece of cardboard was placed in their
home, Savvy would frenetically set to ripping it to shreds. Saucy, on the other
hand, would sometimes partake in the shredding and sometimes perch on her two
hind legs and oversee Savvy’s work. Or if I uncovered their food dish to refill
it, Savvy would maniacally fling bedding through the air with her hind legs
until it was covered (usually leaving a large and conspicuous pile indicating
where the food dish was). Saucy, instead, would dive into the blizzard of
bedding and grab some food. She would then head into the corner, nibble on her
food, and observe Savvy’s mania.
Lastly, when it came to wrestling, Savvy
usually adopted a low to the ground stance, occasionally using her quickness or
aerial maneuvers to catch Saucy off-guard. Often, however, Saucy would dominate
the match, standing like a grizzly bear on her haunches and then flipping Savvy
over for the pin. Their wrestling style probably resulted from the reality of
their size mismatch but also reflected their particular personalities.
On the flip side, you have the common gerbil
style evinced by both Saucy and Savvy.
First you have “gerbil energy.” Of course
gerbils sleep and nap and lounge, but they undertake any waking activity with
amazing gusto. Whether the activity be wrestling, or running in a ball, or
building a burrow, or shredding an egg carton, or eating a Cheerio, gerbils
attack the activity with fervor and enterprise. You get the sense that they are
absolutely psyched to be doing whatever it is that they are doing, no
exceptions. That positive energy is something we can all learn from.
Next you have “gerbil curiosity.” To a
gerbil’s mind, it seems, the absolute best way to figure something out is to
give it a go and see what happens. Scaling walls to jumping off things to
exploring dark tunnels (pant legs): I wonder what this is about, let’s find
out! The activity of life, it seems, is an incredibly interesting thing to
gerbils and they don’t want to miss a thing!
Lastly you have the greatest of these:
“gerbil love.” Each and every day, no matter what happened, Savvy and Saucy
seemed to be the greatest of friends. Gerbil love, in particular, is the patience
and warmth of sitting right next to your buddy all hours of the day! Savvy and
Saucy lived in a relatively small space, yet they would cuddle up in a corner
to eat dinner or pile on top of each other to sleep at night. When Saucy was
sick, Savvy spent long hours right by her side.
Saucy quickly found a way into my heart. I am
thankful that I had the opportunity to have her in my life. I hope that I
somehow made her life better, too.
